中秋节

今天是八月十五，中秋节。
一天的行程排的满满的：早上7.40就到学校，担心学生不肯来学校补课，若他不出现我们就得上她家去找她。还好她出门了，但是到了学校门口，却又不肯进来。她母亲也无计可施，就请我帮忙。我出去了，却也一时不知该怎么走，这还是我第一次遇到这样的情况。还好过了一会儿校长就出现了。她连抱带拉地就把学生拖进学校。过后进行了一轮的辅导。我觉得自己获益匪浅啊……
「趁现在记得，赶快记下来几个重点：不要一直想着不愉快的事和不值得你当朋友的人，想想你身边那些爱惜你，疼惜你的人；你因为这件事受影响，万一考试不过关，就升不了中学，但是那群影响你的人却会过得好好的，升上中学继续他们的人生。这样值得吗？；他们说你是鬼，你是笨蛋。那我问你，你是吗？不是就不要理他们！；你要学会疼惜自己，爱惜自己。」
总之，就觉得她很有一套，另我不得不佩服，果然是能够服众的一个校长。停了她一席话，我感到惭愧，自己资历尚浅，人生历练不足，涉世不深，绝对不可能会达到她那种境界。想想，自己真的不会安慰人。还真的要好好学习如何安慰别人，鼓励别人……这门技术太重要了！
接着就忙着和各科老师们分享对策，连早餐都还没来得及吃，就收到care的电话，要我提早赴约。匆匆忙忙吃了几口米粉，就回去接凯再去赴约。做了决定。下午吃了午餐，到怡丰城图书馆找书却没找着，就到圣淘沙参观沙雕展（星际大战）——凯的最爱。天气是热得快要融化了，不过还是有一种莫名的开心。过后到了观音庙拜拜，送了凯到同事家聚餐，我就回来了。休息一会儿，也还在忙着学生的事，不一会儿就到妈妈家去准备庆中秋。
晚上将近11点才回来。忙了一天，感觉浑浑噩噩地过去了，好似忙了很多，却又好似什么也没完成。为何如此？好乱。好乱。到底在忙什么啊？到底都在追逐什么啊？

Confused

This is a special year... Good or bad? I'm not sure... Made important decisions, had hoped for the best, but things just don't work out the way I wish it to be. 

应该坚持下去，还是就这么算了？旁人说的容易，说只要一直尝试，不放弃，终会得到我想要的。然而我开始质疑了。

或许，一开始就注定不可能如偿所愿，那为何又要劳心伤神？

或许，应该相信一切冥冥中早已有了安排，无论怎么努力，都无济于事。

或许，什么人定胜天、守得云开见月明、皇天不负有心人、有志者事竟成这些都是骗人的。

或许，安于现状、知足常乐、无欲无求才是人生之道。

CNY eve

It's the CNY eve today. 1am now, can't get to sleep, just back from Bedok with parents, the to Punggol nursery to get flowers. After dropping off the parents, went to look for colleague to pass him CNY goodies. It's been a week since I last met him, seems like he is better now, just told me he went CNY last min shopping last night with the family. Good to hear that things are getting better. Also told him I'm sure it will continue to get better. Really hope to see him back in school soon. It is not easy definitely...

Few more hours to the CNY celebration in school. Gonna be a busy morning. Have always love CNY since young, glad the feeling still continue till now..

2019

It's 2019 now...  Today is a sad day for Singaporeans as we mourn the loss of a talented actor, who is so well loved by his family, friends, colleagues, practically every e who knows him said that he is like an angel... ...  RIP Aloysius Pang... 冯伟衷，一路好走……


This goes to shows how unpredictable life is, we should always treasure the times we have, with our loved ones..... Last Nov, I was just meeting up with buddy Samartha for lunch and shopping at orchard, and immediately that night I had severe tummy pains and shivering with high fever hence got to be admitted. Doctor said it is bacteria infection but unable to pinpoint what exactly is the cause. And now as I am typing, am having a very bad headache, while waiting for my colleague to pass me his stuff. It's also not a very good start to the year for him....
Just had a long chat with him... Got to learn something shocking, it's really not easy for him now, hope he will be able to tide thought this difficult times... Let him be back to normal again soon. Don't wish to lose a good colleague a good friend..

Update after a long while

Realised its been a long long long time since I last blogged. Am now officially married and am Mrs Wan now, or as my students calme, Mdm Seah. Sounds kinda old, but well, life is great after marriage! Shifted into our little new house on 11Oct15. Happimess is always there with us :)

 currently on a 3 weeks Europe trip with Deary, at Venice now. We started from Amsterdam, to Berlin, then Munich, after that to Lucerne, then Milan and now am here in Venice. Next up will be travelling to Florence tomorrow then we will end our trip in Rome to celebreate Christmas! What a great way to have our celebration for getting Connect plan :p

Shall update more on my trip when I have the time. Very enjoyable, fun, relaxing and enriching so far :D

雨过天晴？

好似雨过天晴了。水泡大多消失了，留下的只有疮疤。这一切不时地提醒着我，一路走来的艰辛……不知情的人也许会啧啧称奇，也许会用异样的眼光注视，也许会出言不逊。但这一切，我似乎习以为常了。再过三个月，就三个月，就将是我人生中最重要的日子了。充满着期待的同时，又有些担忧。好担心到时又会有红斑。不过我想，过虑反而会弄巧反拙。还是尽量放松，抱着平常心吧！

通过RO，得知主任这么评价我：体质不好，不适宜多运动，应该多多休息。

不知为何，听见RO这么告诉我，心里头有种说不出的感觉。不知是喜还是悲？知道大家都很关心我，心里自然很窝心。感觉就像是个大家庭。可是，她的这一席话，好似一言惊醒梦中人，让我不禁自问：难道真的是我太压迫自己，让身体太劳累，负荷不了，才频频发病？

我真的就应该不运动，多休息？或许，我需要做的，是截取平衡吧。总是三分钟热度，积极是就特别勤快，每天运动。上两个星期就是如此。跳绳、骑车、滑轮、健身、跑步、打羽球，整个星期下来，天天都在运动。也许这就是发病的原因？看来，我得找一些较温和，不那么耗体力的运动来保持身体健康了。

 话说我抱病在家的一个星期，做了好多好多梦。好像这一个星期内做的梦比一整年下来做的梦还多。

又一场风波

看来2014年真的不是个好年份啊！出院至今才4个月，如今居然“生蛇”（shingles）。唉！没想过居然会这么痛！
以为一切苦难过去了，接下来迎接我的应该是美丽的日子。期待着注册与婚宴的到来，盼望着新的人生。没想到如今竟然得了这令人痛楚的病。也不知得再拿几天病假。

是福还是祸

从三月中旬开始，就经常胃痛。四月初的时候更是有呕吐、腹泻的迹象，维持了将近两个星期。看了GP，也到SGH急诊部门看过，医生都说应该只是胃发炎。可是4月17日，当我再回到SGH复诊看Dr Lui 时，他竟然要我住院，说胃痛持续那么久，应该需要检查一下。没想到，一住就住了10天，4月27日才出院。拿了病假到5月9日回去复诊，他又要我再休息几天，到下星期四才回去工作。

住了十天，医生说是红斑狼疮发作了，也说有食物中毒的迹象，感染了什么Salmonella病菌，应该是迟到不干净的食物吧。应该只是简单的食物中毒，怎么就得住了10天，还说我的血管有阻塞，可能需要动手术做STENTING，把家人朋友都吓坏了。说也奇怪，我自己反倒不担心，而是身旁关心我的人比我还要操心。

老实说，十天在医院，感觉过得还挺快的。虽然还有工作上的事要烦，但大多数的时间都真的是躺在病床上休息。好久好久没有这样休息了。出院后的两个星期也是，一整天都呆在家里。绝大部分的时间都在床上休息。偶尔看看电视，玩玩拼图，做些刺绣。挺悠哉的。可是，胃痛始终没有离我而去，每当吃过东西还是会隐隐作痛。虽然不太会影响生活作息，但就是觉得不舒服。医生说应该是胃的问题，让我别吃太多。可我已经吃得很少了啊！吃不到半碗饭，有时也没有胃口吃菜，真不知该如何是好。

刚出院时，心情有些低落。虽然知道身旁有家人和朋友疼爱，但就是觉的伤心难过。觉得我的人生就该如此吗？脑海中盘旋着一个念头，是不是应该选择放手，让他得到更属于他的幸福。心里却有着万般不舍。

偶然间，在《古今大战秦俑情》剧中听见徐小静说：“爱一个人就应该紧紧地握着对方的手，一起勇敢的走下去！”让我顿时明白，为了爱，应该拿出点勇气。选择放弃，只是一种逃避的行为。看来，这回我是 Heart over mind了。曾经有人说过我是一个mind over heart 的人，才会因为某些事情而烦恼。现在，我想我让心占领我了。

心血来潮

突然有股冲动，想写点东西。
上星期终于去见了Dr Lee，得知了Skin Biopsy的化验结果，他说是抗体在攻打皮肤细胞。八成是和Lupus有关，但还得再做个测试确定。无论结果怎样，我想，这就解释了为何无论我如何努力，如何小心翼翼地保护自己，还是无法避免。真的，我真的都很努力，很用心地在照顾我那脆弱的皮肤。可是，它就是会无缘无故地突然发作。不是我想要的，但又有何人能理解？

好累，好厌倦。

今天上了童军组长课程，很是享受，很想再继续多参与，可却碍于我的缺乏自信，总觉得他人会用异样眼光来看我。觉得自己变得很多疑，很会猜忌，老觉得别人在盯着我，在对我品头论足。也许真的如此，也许只是我多心了。又怎样呢？到头来，因缺乏自信而感到闷闷不乐的是我自己。

我想我必须学会勇敢地面对。
可是不知为何，我总觉得自己在孤独奋战。

Nice song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiPTJpDzYDk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

2014

转眼间，已是2014年的第九天了。还没来得及写新年新展望，就觉得今年很是不顺。1月3日就到了SGH进行Skin Biopsy，今天又到SGH看Dr Lui。虽然两次看医生都挺愉快的（因为替我做Skin Biopsy的是帅帅的Dr Oh，而Dr Lui 又是那么地可爱，哈哈，所以不觉得等待是烦闷的:P）
可是，身体状况似乎不那么好。子去年底开始，几乎每天晚上都会风湿，不是这里痛就是那里痛。近几日更是日剧严重，从傍晚开始就无法正常行走。唉，那是多么痛苦啊！终于无法忍受，昨早发电邮给Dr Lui，他立刻回复“Pl see me at ARC at 12 tmr”。接到他的回复，既是欣喜，又是困扰。他会让我立即去复诊，肯定不是什么好事吧。果然，今天见了他之后，他是是红斑狼疮影响到了我的关节，所以只好暂时增加药物，希望有所帮助。好不容易，药物减少了；盼了那么久，终于可以不用那么依赖药物；耗了那么多精力，终于减少了药物的副作用……没想到，现在又被打回原形。
唉，究竟何时才能摆脱这一切，何时才能不用依赖药物？究竟该怎么做，才能阻止病情恶化？
或许，无论我怎么做，都无法阻止。
或许，无论我怎么尝试，都无济于事。
或许，无论我如何保持乐观，都无法摆脱命运的安排。
或许，无论我如何积极面对，都无法挣脱这一切的造化弄人。

那么，为何我还得那么努力，那么积极，那么小心翼翼地过我的人生？
如果“一切都是命，半点不由人”那为什么历来人们都在不停地努力挣脱命运的安排？

活着，究竟是为了什么？
活着，是为了能每天继续挣扎着如何继续活下去？
活着，是为了能勇敢地面对一切与一切的未知数？

如果，这次的病情发作不是影响关节，而是其他器官？我想，那或许也不过是迟早的事。既然知道病情会继续恶化，那为什么还要活着等待那天的到来？为什么还要给我身边的人假的希望？为什么还要让他们满怀期待着往后的日子？为什么？究竟为什么这一切不能尽早结束，而是具有那么多的未知？？？

我宁愿，医生能给我一个定数。真的。7年来，已经尽量充实地过我的人生。我会尽量享受，尽量抽空陪我身边关爱我的人，因为我不知道哪天我会离他们而去。可是，这一切的未知始终让我深感困扰。因为我不知怎样给他们许下承诺。我真的害怕。

Night Safari

Went to Night Safari with Deary today. Last day to redeem the Groupon deal bought months ago. Guess this is the problem with those deals. Always buy it thinking its cheap, but sometimes ended up not using it.

Anyway, quite a nice experience there. Started off with a dinner at Bongos Burger, setting, ambience and service seems like fast-food restaurant, but the food and prices seems more like restaurants.. so overall i think its quite good, as the food is good, and we can watch the performance while eating!

After the fire performance, we went into the park. Quite a huge crowd I would say. Mostly foreigners though, as it is a Sunday. Went for the walking trails first, as the sky is not completely dark yet, so can we guess it will be easier for us to 'spot' the animals. The trails are all shorter than expected, and we only spend like 1 hour to finish all the 4 trails.

Went for the Creatures of the Night show at 8.30pm, great performance! There's interaction with the audience also. Always liked this type of performances that involve the audience. Not that boring. Love the raccoon and otter!

After the show, we quickly get to the tram station to catch a tram. (Because we saw a long queue for it before we went for the show, and it states there Waiting Time: 60mins). We were thinking that if the queue is still as long after the show, might want to give it a miss. Luckily, the queue is much shorter this time round! Manage to get onto the 3rd or 4th tram that comes. Pretty short wait actually. Like the tram ride, as it's cooling to travel on it, and we can see the animals quite closely for some. After the tram ride, it was home sweet home!

Love the elephants, otters, tapiers! there were quite a number of cat species there too!

A great and enjoyable trip, although there is still work tomorrow. Well, but I guess I have sort of grown out of the age that I dread going out on Sundays. Haha, remembered that when I was in Primary and lower Secondary, always dread Sundays, and the last few days of school holidays. Will feel really down during those days. Come to think of it now. 与其闷闷不乐地让时光蹉跎，倒不如好好地享受最后的假期，使自己过得更充实，更开心。

再过两个星期，就要带学生去台湾了。好多筹备工作似乎都没做好。感觉很没有安全感。看来这两周有得忙了！还得准备第四学段的配套等。不过，我却不会觉得压力很大，只是偶尔想要发发怨气罢了。仔细想来，也不是那么多事情做。

忙里偷闲

好一个忙忙碌碌的第三学段！突然间，觉得有点喘不过气來。琐琐碎碎，点点滴滴，大大小小，使我朝朝暮暮，日日夜夜皆无法松懈。
HA,enrichment,immersion,弟子规，书法，阅读计划……还没提及cca 和 lesson ob。加上swc,level rep的工作，突然觉得工作好繁重！
突然间，他又和我提及这么一个沉重、烦人、懊恼的课题。唉，我所需要的那些鼓励与支持在哪儿呢？？有必要在我如此繁忙的时段來和我商议此事吗？
明知不是一朝半夕能解决的问题，何苦如此执着呢？
我的动力在哪儿？！
好想忙里偷闲，真的好想。但什么都提不起劲。只希望能够拥有双倍的时间。我那万能的小叮当，你在哪儿？我急需要你！

三思而后行

做了一个不知是对还是错的决定，感觉很不舒服……唉！想要帮他，结果却似乎弄巧反拙了。到底该如何是好？我应该考虑清楚，应该三思而后行。我承认，这回有些意气用事，有些失去理智，没有顾虑周全。我应该冷静地好好思考的。究竟是对还是错？？？怎么会有这种似曾相似的感觉呢？曾几何时，也因为一件不完全是我的错的事感到良心不安。如今，也有类似的感觉……只不过，当年的事不在我的控制范围内。这回，是完全由我引起的。假如我息事宁人，假如我装聋作哑，假如我毫不在乎，假如我不挺身而出，假如我不那么意气用事，或许，或许……

现在说这些，还有用吗？

只想对我无意间伤害的人说声“对不起”。我是无心的。我当时没想那么多，没想到后果会是怎样的。

好想找个借口，说我是忙昏了头才丧失原应有的冷静的思考能力。借口，是为了谁而编造的呢？是为了让良心过意得去？还是为了说服自己说自己没错，而错在他人？

总而言之，如果我多加考虑，想一想后果，也许我就不会做出这个决定了。

这将是一个毕生难忘的人生历程。也教会了我，做事情一定要瞻前顾后。我下次一定会，肯定会了。

Start of new term

CNY is over, term 1 holidays over. A hectic term 1, am glad the CNY event went on quite ok, Brownies camp also over, and things are progressing well. Parents briefing on HA was great! Had a strange feeling while giving the presentation half way through. Not as scary as I had expected it to be though. Haha. Went Genting with parents during the holidays, won some money hehe..

Come term 2, need prepare for immersion. Many things to settle, boss not around, stress and busy. 但我坚信，梅花香自苦寒来～～我一定能勇敢面对一切！

迎新春

再过几天，就是癸巳年了。迎新春的当儿，在百忙之中，感触良多……之前说了，２０１３年负责两项较大的项目，第一就是即将来临的新年庆祝活动。日子越逼近，就感觉无限的压力。无形中，这让我无法像往年一样沉浸在期盼着新一年到来的欢乐气氛中。种种琐碎的事件，样样繁琐，却都需要顾全及。终于能体会，筹办活动的辛劳了。
过了新年，接踵而来的便是五月份的浸濡活动了。现在满是期待，但相信两个月后，我的心情应该有所改变。当下，只希望星期五的活动能一切顺利！

展望2013

Well, its already 19th Jan... More than half a month into 2013, here I'm, posting my New Year resolutions...

Recalling my New Year Resolution for 2012:

1. Travel to Cambodia/Tibet (conquered Cambodia!!! Tibet still KIV)
2. Stay healthy(well, not really healthy, but no major flare up too =))
3. No parents' complain for disciplinary issues in class(think i sort of did that, yeah!)
4. Finish reading Tibet Code! (still at book 6...out of the 10 books haha)
5. Finish doing the puzzle for sis & Zan(done!)
6. Enjoy life!(yupz! went for quite a number of overseas trip!!)

2013 New Year Resolutions!
1. Travel to Laos
2. Complete healing of my rashes
3. Take up a new hobby (Pilates/yoga)
4. Take part in adventure activities (Skydiving, Abseiling, Rock climbing etc)
5. Everything goes on smoothly for my CNY event and P5 immersion.
6. Do a puzzle for my new house
7. Source for suitable wedding banquet venue
8. Plan for wedding photoshoot
9. Maintain healthy levels of platelets
10. Travel with parents
11. Make my pupils interested in learning Chinese
12. Exercise at least 3 times a week
13. Communicate more with Deary
14. At least read till book 8 for Tibet Code
15. Read and Write more in Chinese
16. Live life to the fullest!

Wow, didn't know that I have so much wishes for this new year... Seems like an exciting year ahead! Shall really plan and manage my time properly! Shall also keep myself healthy for all the exciting upcoming events!

CNY is approaching soon... Shall be going to Chinatown with parents later in the evening for the lights up ceremony, this has become a yearly event that I do with my parents... Hope to continue doing so in the future even after getting married, haha.

昨天去购物了。好久好久没有这样，一个人自由自在地购物。想想从前，尤其是A水准之后的我，常常独自去购物、健身、看电影。觉得那是一种自我认识。现在，总是忙于工作，和朋友、情人、家人聚会与约会，似乎少了这么一层的自我认识。昨晚一个多小时的完全属于自我的时间，感觉更了解自己了。

希望能够在这一年里自我充实，更积极地面对一切，拥抱生活！

Saying good-bye to 2012

Happy NEW YEAR!!! May 2013 be a better year for all!!! :D

A year ago, ushered in 2012 in Ipoh with Deary, sis and Zan... Today, I'm going to say good-bye to 2012 and usher in 2013 in JB with Deary...

It has been an eventful year. As expected a Dragon year is often a year full of misfortunes for a Dragon... it has been quite a difficult year for me, especially on my health... With platelet counts dropping to as low as 16, and few other occassions where platelet counts is at a worrying level, I wonder if my positive outlook on life and everything is useful. Always heard that being optimistic and having a positive outlook on life is beneficial to all types of illnesses, but why doesn't it seemed to be the case? Anyway, due to all these low platelets, doc intro a new type of med, which cost more than $10 everyday... Well, if the med is good, then i wun mind the money, afterall, nothing is more important than our health... however, it doesn't seemed to be very good.. or perhaps it is, its just that my rashes are making me all stressed out that i cant seem to focus on the effectiveness of the med... these persistant rashes has been causing me so much stress and inconvenience... it causes lack of confidence as well... really really hope that it will go away soon, as it has gotten slightly better now..

身体状况每况愈下，也不知未来的展望如何……不禁让我联想到“金色摩天轮”里的沈君君。不敢奢望太多，只希望能够开心地度过每一天，并尽量让每一天过得充实，过得有意义。那天和NIE的同学聚会，聊了不少，晓珊向我说了一些她在台湾的经历，以及她的一些感想。不知为何，就有一种想要多了解的心态。因此向她要了一些详情。当时，内心深处曾萌起那么一个念头。那么一个骇人的念头。也许是已厌倦这种起伏不定的病情吧。不过我想，只要没有太大的波动，安于现状未尝不是好事。

2012年，工作还算顺利，没有什么大风大浪，可以说是平平凡凡地过了一年。展望2013，相信事业上会有些许转变。将负责两项较大的活动，希望一切也能够顺顺利利！

这一年，姐姐结婚了。虽然她的家离我们不远，但感觉就是不一样。她出嫁的那一晚，我失眠了。虽然她婚前也常常不在家，但就是有种说不出的不舍，有种莫名的想念……

总是觉得，和父母出国是最幸福的。好享受，好享受那8天的桂林之旅。希望年年都能如此。只求大家都身体安康，那么就能无忧无虑地尽情出国游玩了！

2012年，曾有那么一段时期，好似做了一场梦，想沉睡不醒，想沉迷其中。纵有甜美的感觉，却难免有些许的不安。只想单纯地相处，无需将它复杂化。如梦初醒，一切记忆犹新。抱着美好的回忆，继续展望未来！

4天的病假，一整个星期的休息，让我能在家里好好充电，养好身子。

昨晚刚在面簿上发表“期盼着雨后的晴天”，真的好希望晴天能赶快到来，让红斑赶快消失。

迷惘

究竟是造化弄人，还是人无定力？

感情与感觉，如何抉择？茫茫人海中……

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